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Introduction
I am a late-in-life diagnosed (by a psychiatrist and later confirmed by a psychologist) autistic person, although at the time I had been diagnosed an aspie–-the now taboo terminology "Asperger's Syndrome" now re-badged as "high-functioning autism" (a terminology I detest as it implies autism has 'low functioning' or inability to function which is nonsense...).
One of the biggest challenges in being an autistic person is to accept yourself as autistic. I was in shock, and disbelief, after many diagnoses from ADHD to personality disorder, et cetera. So I often am wondering and in wonder at some of the things said to me when another person learns I am autistic an autistic person, and an autist.
It is one thing to learn and to know you are an autistic person, almost like finding the "box" you are put into, but the more difficult thing is to accept it. The comments that make me wonder and cringe are a "blocker" on self-acceptance. Most at best are microaggressions, and at worst intentionally insulting. I have chosen seven of the most common statements made that make me wonder, and then cringe inwardly, and wince outwardly if I do not keep my indifferent "poker face" expression.
Three kinds of people make these cringe-worthy remarks–-those who are unknowing, ignorant, and secondly those who are genuinely trying to be "helpful" but do the opposite, and are unhelpful. The third person sees an autistic person as a freak, a "weirdo" or a fluke of nature, and autism as a disease to be cured.
Unfortunately, these comments that make me wonder and cringe are equally shared and prevalent among the three types. The unknowing can learn, the helpful need to stop being "helpful" and the third type is, well better to argue with a brick wall as at least the brick wall does not argue back with nonsense.
The seven remarks that make me wonder, and cringe are (and take note, these are how I have heard the remarks, all can be expressed differently but have the same semantics...) without any priority or hierarchy are as follows...
Wonder 1: You Almost Pass for Normal
This remark is first on my list of the "Seven Wonders of Autism" for a reason...it is one of the most insensitive, obnoxious, and completely offensive remarks I have heard from others. Why? Simply put, this comment, remark implies there is a "normal" that every human being must aspire to, and seek to be accepted, and pass as a human being.
Even worse, "almost" is that word, so the insinuation is that not only does an autistic person have to aspire to be "normal"...they are "almost" so not there quite yet. The level of judgment is astronomical, almost as if an admissions counselor to a school tells the autistic person they did not get a 100% A+ for "normal" and not good enough.
My definition of normal is "the collective madness of the mob for the moment..." Normal is a heaving, roiling sea of people trying to "belong" by being normal, and it is always in flux. There is no absolute standard of normal for a person. All an autistic person can be is who they are in this lifetime, their own "normal" in the world, nothing more and nothing less.
Wonder 2: You're Not Autistic!
When I told a then friend (then ultimately this person was not a friend, now someone I regret knowing...) he reacted with "You don't have autism."
A pronouncement of disbelief, and then denial. An autistic person has a very difficult path to walk to self-acceptance of being autistic, so when a helpful "friend" then states the denial of "You're not autistic..." or "You don't have autism." or "I don't believe in autism..." however expressed, always the same–-denying a facet of a person.
I have seen this in the LGBTQIA+ world, when friends "came out" to someone they trusted, and wanted to share that part of their being, identity, and who they are. I know I always got the denial when I told a friend I was gay. Instead of simply denying it with "No you are not..." they often denied it with a reason.
For both scenarios, it is the same, denial, and worse an implicit indirect rejection. The person learning a sibling, parent, friend, colleague, or another human being that trusts, is autistic, the issue their denial, and reject the person with invalidation.
The simple question is one: How can an autistic person, learning to accept that they are autistic, do so when someone they trust and are vulnerable to, denies, rejects, and invalidates that? Quite simply, it only adds to the level of confusion, and frustration, and makes the path to self-acceptance that much more difficult.
The contradistinction between coming out as autistic versus LGBTQIA+ is that for LGBTQIA+, or coming out as gay–-is often the denial, rejection, and invalidation has a rationalization put forth as hope. I recall when I told several people I was gay in college, the response was "You're not gay...you just have not found the right woman." Giving the "hope" that I was not "really" gay in conjunction with the denial, rejection, and invalidation.
"You're not autistic!" has the implication of being neurotypical, or "normal" or whatever in the denial, and rejection.
The impact of denying, invalidating, and rejecting a person is that it invalidates the person as a human being. Ultimately the best person to decide who and what they are is that person.
Coming out, autistic or LGBTQIA+ takes courage and much fortitude. When an autistic person comes out as autistic and is being vulnerable, denying that they are autistic is denying a person the choice to be who they are, and adding a blocker in the path to self-acceptance. An autistic person has who they are invalidated, rejected, and denied—and by someone they trust to be vulnerable.
Consider the same expression more plainly instead of "You're not autistic!" as "You're not a human being!" as that is the equivalent statement.
Wonder 3: I Get Autism.
The comment or remark "I get autism." is not explicitly said, but often the response is one of stating that they "get" autism. The word "get" is in understanding, comprehending, and knowing about autism.
This response, however worded is akin to when I came out as gay to others. In that context, the response was basically "I don't have a problem with you being gay." Then the person would either distance themselves or in college, move out of the dorm suite or to another dormitory. I once had a roommate who after the start of the semester, found out I was gay, and then told me as he moved out that he was "cool with it." Apparently though not cool enough.
The response of "I get autism" is similar but like so many neurotypical expressions, I have learned and experienced the opposite is true–-they do not "get" autism. At best, this remark is from abject naivety, and at worst is a lie. Anyone who "gets" autism when learning about an autistic person is lying.
You might ask, why? Simple, I am autistic, an Aspie, and I do not "get" my autism fully. One aspect of being an autistic person is that I am learning about myself from that perspective–-and being autistic is an unexplored, enigmatic realm. Hence someone that "gets" it does not. Yet I as an autistic person know that I do not "get" it, and therefore am open to learning more from others and through experience. Those that "get" it claims to know, thus their mind is closed, made of cement and concrete.
For an illustrative example, I had an experience with a friend and his mother. When I let her know I was autistic, her response was being "cool with it" and "I get autism." Yet actions later indicated quite the opposite.
Two events jelled in my mind that she, well actually both of them, did not "get" autism. I was visiting over the weekend, staying in the living room. Then my friend's grandparents visited, and I heard the mother whispering "He's got autism." like I was the rare freak.
Then in discourse with the grandparents, I could tell from my friend's mother's facial expressions my direct, blunt responses were unsettling for her. Yet I and the grandparents had a pleasant dialog. I think after getting told the "dirty secret" that I had autism, they were fascinated so much by my friend's mother "getting" autism, or me as an autistic person.
I was doing a job search, and having a background in high-tech, the autism at work programs at high-tech companies seemed a natural synergy. She went ballistic when she overheard that I would disclose that I am autistic, an autistic person. Then came this rant where she said five times (yes I counted) how I could not let anyone know I was autistic. She then double-downed on her point by saying "If I were a hiring manager, and knew you were autistic, I'd not hire you." So much for "getting" autism.
Later I ended my friendship with both of them, they had their own toxic, dysfunctional relationship, and life is too short to have "friends" that are toxic. And neither "got" autism.
Another friend indicated he "got" autism. Yet then he would state "for my benefit" things that are indicators of autism. Such as "You never really look me in the eye." or "You talk in a monotone." So "gets" autism but with the expressed behaviors he liked to point out what I do to help me. Yeah, he "gets" autism, and that was a sardonic, sarcastic riposte. I had to point out he did not "get" autism, and his recounting behaviors "for my benefit" was implying I was a "weirdo" or "freak" and to stop. He did, at least.
Hence when I hear or read "I get autism." however expressed, I think of the science fiction series "Star Trek" when the captain orders a red alert, the alarms sounding, klaxons blaring, and red indicators flashing. I then make a mental note, and if it is someone I must interact with, keep that in mind. If not, then I often keep it simple, and pleasant and minimize my interaction with that person.
So when someone expresses the comment or remark of "I get autism" I find it more an indicator they do not "get" autism, and worse are deluding and deceiving themselves. No autistic person has that luxury, as being an autistic person they are autistic.
I did not "get" autism when I was diagnosed, the diagnosis provided a context, perspective, a framework that connected the dots for some things. So I only get that I am autistic and that I am built or wired differently. To metaphor, a computer does not "get" its operating system, the computer only functions with the operating system.
Wonder 4: You Don't Look or <blank> Autistic
This remark is only a weaker form of another wonder, "You're not autistic!" The emphasis is on perceived "signs" or "symptoms" that would indicate autism.
One of the biggest mistakes in autism and in neurodiversity is to create a "one size fits all" like a fitted ball cap. Human beings are persons, and unique unto themselves. This is true of autistic persons—each person will have similarities, but also differences.
Thus putting an autistic person into a specific "box" with the tag, or label of "autistic" and then expecting some stereotype or typecast cliché is inaccurate, wrong, and only perpetuates the falsehoods and misinformation. More simply, do not do it.
The remark or comment "You don't look or act or dress or eat or <blank> autistic..." has that stereotypical cliche and expectation that an autistic person does something "different" from normal. The statement only indicates that the person is following an indoctrination and inculcation from stereotypes, cliches, and misinformation.
From American television, I often am (because I'm a tech nerd, good at abstract mathematics...) lumped into the stereotype of the character of 'Sheldon' from the television series 'The Big Bang Theory' or when I reveal I am autistic and have anxiety disorder, then I'm put into the 'box' of Adrian Monk from the television series 'Monk'...both are fictional characters that unfortunately give a falsehood of stereotyping an autistic, or neurodivergent person.
While there exist similarities, there are also differences. The fact that I often have to make the distinction from these stereotypes, and am not simply accepted as I am, an autistic, neurodiverse person–-illustrates the amount of misinformation about being an autistic person.
There is always a reason I do things, often relating to my autistic nature. For example, I tend to "drown" my food in condiments, such as ketchup, and mustard, simply to dilute the intense taste and smell of food.
Others are quite simple, I prefer certain fabrics like cotton, spandex, and polyester because some fabrics I have a skin allergy, a reaction to the fabric–-and I find those fabrics comfortable against my skin.
I wear black mostly as it simplifies the "over-thinking" of the wardrobe, what color of shirt against the color of pants, underwear, socks. Also, as I describe in my essay: "A Perspective On Autism: Seen from the Opposite Side of the Mirror — a Reflection" I prefer dark colors as the light reflection is less intense on my eyes, and I am light sensitive or using the misnomer–-photophobic.
Yet, my "eccentricities" as my preferences and proclivities are called nicely, often individuals will put the tag, label, of "freak" or "weirdo" or some other colorful commentary. This shows a profound lack of, well simply accepting an autistic, neurodiverse person as they are.
Wonder 5: Everyone's a Little Autistic.
One response when someone finds out, or I tell them I'm autistic is the comment, "Everyone's a little autistic." A variant of this comment is "I think I'm a little autistic."
That remark is a weaker form of "You're not autistic!" only diminishing the autism significance with "a little" whereas the person stating there autistic is "a lot autistic."
Imagine if a cis-gender female friend said "I'm pregnant." sharing the good news. Then you reply with "Everyone's a little pregnant." The comment is absurd, and invalidating, and illustrates by taking the concept of "Everyone's a little..." to an extreme.
A meaningless, diminishing remark, that sounds empathetic and inclusive by saying "everyone" instead of themselves is autistic by hinting and implying with the words "a little."
The response undermines the significance of being an autistic person and diminishes by invalidation. A weaker denial and rejection of the autistic person by making everyone autistic although just "a little" autistic. I have heard this comment used in terms of race and ethnicity and only confirms the other person is at best an ignoramus or at worst an insensitive racist.
When an autistic person reveals they are autistic, it is being vulnerable and sharing something about themselves. Making a relativizing remark is a form of saying, "No you're not, as everyone is a little autistic." This invalidates the autistic person, as autism is an entirely "brave new world" to borrow from Shakespeare.
I have a close friend who revealed to me that they had cancer. Consider if I had said, "Well everyone has a little cancer." Instead, I offered empathy, and help however I could help as a close friend. This friend said to me they preferred my "cold icy logic" as they had enough family feeling sorry for them. Having had parents who died from cancer, I can empathize, share, and be there for my close friend.
The "...a little <blank>" is an invalidating comment akin to "no big deal, everyone is a little..."
Once when I had tired of hearing this remark, and a nimrod I had to interact with, said that remark as if it was helpful. I responded with "Everyone's a little stupid, too." Strangely, they avoided communicating with me, as I said in so few words just what that remark and what they were–-nothing.
Wonder 6: I Know Someone Who Has Autism
Yeah, and I know someone that is someone, somewhere, sometime. Maybe.
I once, going through airport security, and explaining to the TSA officer that I was on my way to an autism hiring event at a tech company, he commented "I have a *someone* with autism." I smiled and nodded in acknowledgment. I was ready with the indifferent response of, "That's nice."
Yet, when people either find out, or I inform them that I'm an autistic person, that is a common response. I find it disillusioning as it is an attempt at familiarity, or to signify acceptance but is at best an acknowledgment.
Knowing someone who is autistic, even having someone who is a child, sibling, or distant relative is pointless when someone you know has autism. Just stating that there is someone else who is autistic that you know, so making the autistic person trivial, relativizing.
Imagine you tell someone you have a problem, and then they respond with I know someone that has problems: different context, yet the same effect. The response lacks any empathy or acceptance, a conversational evasion. The autistic person is just another person who is autistic that a person knows.
Making a revelation the "reveal" about autism "No big deal, I know someone..." is dehumanizing in that the comment, and the remark is invalidating. What the autistic person is–-autistic, is invalid, immaterial–-since you know someone with autism. Also, the remark is ambiguous, it avoids any response.
Consider a different situation. If your best friend revealed they had a terminal disease, only a few months to live, and your response was "Everyone is dying." or "I know a person with a terminal disease." (Note: I am NOT stating or implying autism is a terminal disease, this is an illustrative example...)
The question is if an autistic person reveals their autism, or you find out and then ask, is that person "I know someone with autism." or is that person still a human being, friend, or colleague? Do you still see them for them, or now just another "I know a person with autism." to add to your collection of autistic people you know?
My experience at the airport was indifferent as I did not know the Transportation Safety Administration officer, and he was making a feeble attempt at best, sympathy. From a stranger the comment "I know someone with autism." is pointless, superfluous. Yet from a friend, colleague, or someone who knows me, then it becomes invalidating and avoidant.
More simply, stating you know someone with autism is...well irrelevant. I am an autistic person, and so yes I know many autistic persons.
Wonder 7: Autism Awareness is a Woke Idea
This comment using the word 'woke' was baffling and perplexing. The word 'woke' is used much in the media, yet I did not understand and comprehend the meaning.
This use of an unfamiliar word that everyone seems to know and is used reminds me of high school with the popular words that were local jargon of slang—but all with the same intention—to be derogatory and implied insult, degrading.
It is more effective when the word is not known or understood except by the popular clique. The fact that this behavior is still used by people to describe autism awareness, autism acceptance, and autism inclusion well demonstrates the bandying of words and one-upmanship, which is not a serious, open discussion or discourse.
In terms of logical fallacies, this remark that autism is "woke" is an attack where the person speaking or writing about autism cannot respond. The attack is indirectly on the person—so ad hominem through the idea.
This is called 'poisoning the well' [Nordq 2021] as a logical fallacy. Without even knowing what 'woke' means, calling the idea 'woke' is indirectly attacking the person as 'woke' without calling them that.
I often get this comment or remark online in posts and comments on autism articles, and the person remarking is calling me 'woke' as I am an autistic person, so it is a bad association to call anything autism as a 'woke' idea.
A great conversational logical fallacy invalidates the idea of autism awareness, inclusion, and acceptance and ridicules the person who is autistic as woke. There is a vast amount of implication in the use of the 'woke' word.
When a person uses this kind of comment, there is no response, as there is no rational discussion. I could, in sarcasm, comment hemorrhoids and opinions, or use antic humor with, "Woke? I did not even get a nap!" or "Woke! At least I'm not asleep at the switch," and et cetera.
Yet that is sinking to the illogical, flawed level of the 'woke' accuser and becoming an irrational discussion or more emotionalism in confrontation.
For explanation, elaboration, and edification, I searched online for the meaning of the word 'woke' and the use of that enigmatic slang term. So I'm 'woke' now. What does that mean?
One of the better explanations of the meaning of the word 'work' is [Meyne 2023] given as:
"When a practice is identified as 'woke' there is an implication that the non-woke practice is better or at least equally good. Thus, the dismissal of something as 'woke' is an endorsement of some alternative."
Woke is the new word for "political correctness" and all the nuances, pitfalls, and misconceptions.
Keeping that in mind, if autism awareness, acceptance, and inclusion are 'woke', then that means no autism awareness, acceptance, and inclusion (the alternative) are better and endorsed by the person making this comment.
Unfortunately, this is the same thing over time, whether 'woke' or political correctness. An unsettling reminder of how "the more things change, the more they remain the same," as French writer Alphonse Karr [BookB 2024] said in 1849.
I recall a Simpson's episode "Lisa the Iconoclast," [Fando 2024] where Lisa Simpson is called a "PC thug" by her second-grade teacher as she calls out the nefarious past of the town's founder.
The author [Meyne 2023] then very aptly writes,
"We can now see why the knee-jerk dismissal of something as 'woke' is so nasty; it amounts to a self-righteous choice not only to insult or denigrate others but to protect one’s ignorance and support injustice."
The person using the term 'woke' is ignorant and wants to stay ignorant, so nothing said will make a difference—the person has demonstrated their choice, and then their mind is made of cement, regrettably.
All you can do is move on. Quod, quod, fiat.
Conclusion
Don't treat someone differently because you learn they are autistic, they're still the same person with another detail of who they are. If they tell you they are autistic, then be honored, they are sharing and trusting you for some autistic persons it is a deep dark secret...like being LGBTQIA+.
A friend is supportive and caring. Sir Francis Bacon, the British philosopher in his essays [Bacon 1884] called friendship with a true friend…
"but a true friend; to whom you may impart griefs, joys, fears, hopes, suspicions, counsels, and whatsoever lieth upon the heart..."
Sometimes the best support is to listen with an open mind and caring heart.
Be there as a friend, and avoid the remarks that are the "Seven Wonders of Autism"...that person is still a person, only now you know another aspect of who they are as a human being.
Simple idea: you do not have to understand being an autistic person or being neurodivergent, however, you can accept that another person is an autistic person.
Then you have the option, and the time to learn more about an autistic person, if you're friends, colleagues, or classmates, then you will learn more about them, and perhaps learn something about yourself in the process.
Yet denying a person is an autistic person, is denying who they are, and all they can be in this lifetime.
Embrace that person as who they are, and do not deny them personhood for what they are...life is too short, and there is enough "dislike of unlike" in the world.
References
[Bacon 1884] Bacon, Francis. The Works of Sir Francis Bacon, edited Basil Montagu, Volume 1. New York, New York, 1884. https://en.wikisource.org/wiki/The_Works_of_Francis_Bacon/Volume_1/Essays/Of_Friendship, Accessed January 12, 2024.
[BookB 2024] BookBrowsers LLC, "Well know expressions, 'The more things change, the more they stay the same'," https://www.bookbrowse.com/expressions/detail/index.cfm/expression_number/483/the-more-things-change-the-more-they-stay-the-same, Accessed January 23, 2024.
[Fando ] Fandom TV Community, Simpsons Wiki, "Lisa the Iconoclast," https://simpsons.fandom.com/wiki/Lisa_the_Iconoclast, Accessed January 23, 2024.
[Gilre 2019] Gilreath, William. "A Perspective On Autism: Seen from the Opposite Side of the Mirror — a Reflection" https://medium.com/@will.f.gilreath/a-perspective-on-autism-seen-from-the-opposite-side-of-the-mirror-a-reflection-8388c31c0f3d, November 2019, Accessed January 12, 2024.
[Meyne 2023] Meynell, Letitia. "Here’s what ‘woke’ means and how to respond to it," December 20, 2023. https://theconversation.com/heres-what-woke-means-and-how-to-respond-to-it-219588, Accessed January 23, 2024.
[Nordq 2021] Nordquist, Richard. "Understanding the 'Poisoning the Well' Logical Fallacy." ThoughtCo, Feb. 16, 2021, thoughtco.com/poisoning-the-well-fallacy-1691639,
https://www.thoughtco.com/poisoning-the-well-fallacy-1691639,
Accessed January 23, 2024.
[Piacq 2020] Piacquadio, Andrea. "Amazed Formal Male Looking at Laptop Screen," February 18th, 2020. https://www.pexels.com/photo/amazed-formal-male-looking-at-laptop-screen-3760809/ Accessed January 23, 2024.